I struggle with things outside of my control. I want to be able to control everything. I always wish that if I put my all into everything and follow directions, I will see my desired result.
That’s possible in a lot of avenues. Chronic illness? Not so much. You can do all of the “right” things with diabetes- one day you might get all the desired results you and your endocrinologist hope for. But… maybe the next day that isn’t so- even if you do EXACTLY the same thing. It’s frustrating. It can be really disheartening. It can put a damper on your motivation. And- it can just hurt (physically, emotionally, and mentally).
Finding what works for PCOS and endometriosis. It’s a lot like diabetes- but it’s more of a waiting game. Will this work? Will my body cooperate?
So- the trial and error has continued for me. I’m still striving for continuous birth control, but my body just doesn’t want to listen to any of the medications I’m on. But so far- the birth control I’m on inow s making this all more manageable- we’re not at “perfect” yet. My period still comes- and no… it’s not just spotting. It’s my period. My body does know the difference with that. I can’t prep for it because who knows when it will come, but when it does come- it’s not a straight week of debilitating pain and symptoms. It can vary.
I still want to find something that completely stops my period and helps with the hormones. I’m still in search of finding a doctor I like and click with. I found a nurse practitioner, but I need and want to find a doctor too. Then eventually I do hope for surgery to eliminate the problems all together especially since I don't want children.
I often get caught in what isn’t working. I get caught feeling that I’m not doing enough or not enough. I start blaming myself. I am my own worst critic and can be my worst bully. It takes a lot of reminders to escape these feelings and thoughts (thanks anxiety). I attempt to give myself some credit, but it can be hard.
For instance, this week. I had a lot of plans and things to mark off of my to do list.
- One night… my blood sugars interrupted my sleep, and I battled highs for hours.
- The next night… I had insomnia related to my period that came the next day.
- On the third night… my anxiety played into my insomnia.
Yeah- I rearranged some things. But I still went to work. I still attended an event.
Now- of course the first thing that was impacted was cooking… always is. Then my writing.
But- for three nights of chaos… I need to give myself some credit. I did pretty well considering.
(but then the lack of sleep didn’t allow to me fight off the latest bug going around so I ended up getting sick the later half of the week).
Since everything with PCOS and endometriosis instensified over the past 10 months-
- My A1C has gone up.
- I needed to seek a mental health provider again.
- My weight has fluctuated all over the place.
- There’s a consistent bitterness (but I’m able to channel it into more constructive things).
- My budget is not where I want it to be.
- I don’t trust my body.
Some days, I cancel plans because:
- I might be exhausted.
- I feel terrible because of my period.
- The impact of my period on my blood sugars.
- The impact of my period on mental health. (Including how attractive I feel).
- I’m just in a terrible mood that I don’t want to spread.
But I need to take a step back and give myself some credit.
There might be days I’m absolutely miserable- but when I need to, I power through. But something I’ve gotten so much better at? I also know when to step back to take care of myself because having chronic illnesses does impact me, but it’s not my fault.
And you know what? That does make me badass.
Now… if only I could remember this in the moment when my emotions are haywire and I’m being hard on myself. At least there are people in my life who remind me of things like that when I need it.